Kentucky Bourbon Fast

As an act of penance for the sins I’ve committed and my role in the Covid crisis, I have given up Kentucky bourbon.  I have made a solemn oath before God not to drink it until I have reached fuller clarity on what my spiritual duties are in response to the disaster.  All lovers of Kentucky bourbon, who by definition appreciate essence, beauty, truth, purity, and glory, are encouraged to join me in this spiritual sacrifice.  Gandhi would do no less.  I plan to abstain from Kentucky bourbon until November 3, at which point my relationship with all things from the state of Kentucky will be reevaluated.

Kentucky bourbon was chosen as the focus of sacrifice for two reasons:  Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul.  C’mon Kentucky, one turd in the punchbowl was enough to let us know what you think about the fiesta.  But two?  Really?  You are, after all, the state that gave us Abraham Lincoln, Muhammed Ali, George Clooney, Jennifer Lawrence, Johnny Depp, and Loretta Lynn.  You gifted us with the greatest environmental prophet of the 20th century, Wendell Berry.  Please do not let your ultimate legacy to the United States be these two termites.

(I mean no disrespect to termites.  They play an important albeit occasionally destructive role in the natural order.  McConnell and Paul, by contrast, are the creations of a perverted political order who destroy vision, hope, progress, and the United States’ greatest contribution to the world, its constitution.  We can rebuild houses and mitigate the destruction of termites.  McConnell’s damage will be more permanent and is somewhat reminiscent of another Kentuckian, Jefferson Davis.  Again, my apologies to termites for the analogy.)

The specific cause for this spiritual recourse were the reasons Senator McConnell reconvened the Senate in the midst of the greatest crisis the nation has faced since World War II.  The Senate was not reconvened to address the shortage in tests and supplies created by McConnell’s failure to anticipate and respond to the crisis.  Nor was the Senate reconvened to address the economic crisis in relation to the uniquely miserable provisions made to the people who are suffering most in it.

No, instead, Mitch brought the Senate together to get another self-entitled white boy-man appointed to the federal bench so that he could further contaminate the courts with judges who believe that God created Adam, Eve, and the limited liability corporation on the sixth day.  He wants judges from the Federalist society whose views of executive authority would have impressed Hitler and made Mussolini proud. 

He also reconvened the Senate so that he could pass legislation that would deny workers in meat plants that most fundamental right:  the right to life.  In full coordination with Trump, McConnell is attempting to gut any corporate responsibility for a safe workplace while Trump uses the Defense Authorization Act to compel workers into workplaces that are known deathtraps.  While Trump and McConnell have done a horrible job of establishing a proper testing and tracing regimen that are foundational to resolving the Covid crisis, they have instead prioritized the meat supply chain.  There will be no enforcement of any provisions designed to protect the workers from contracting the virus.  In short, Kentucky, your two Senators are turning these meat plants into concentration camps.  Let’s hope they do not become death camps.

Mitch, of course, has always been a perpetual outrage machine.  We in the blue states wonder how anyone can possibly see such a man as a leader.  That is why I am giving up Kentucky bourbon and praying while drinking with the Tennessee Gentleman, Jack Daniels. 

I am looking for insight into the soul of Kentucky.  For example, it is difficult to understand how this Senator can complain about “bailing out” blue states like California when, in fact, he lives in the most “bailed out” state in the nation.  California contributes about 430 billion dollars to the federal budget every year, while Kentucky only contributes about 32 billion.  We do not condemn you, Kentucky, for your poverty.  Jesus blessed the poor.  But the problem is NOT Kentucky’s modest contributions to the federal budget. 

It is rather the fact that for every dollar Kentucky gives to the federal government, it gets back about $2.40.  For many, many years, Kentucky has been a taker and not a giver.   Jesus, though, said that it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35).  Kentucky, we want you to feel more blessed.  So, here’s a thought.  Instead of taking $2.40 for every dollar you contribute, why don’t you give back $2.40 for every dollar you receive? It’s just a thought.

We would not want you to do anything, Kentucky, that would hamper your efforts to live a fuller life.  For example, it’s pretty clear that McConnell did not learn accounting basics at either Louisville or the University of Kentucky.  We’d be happy to help you and your universities with economic essentials.

In the meantime, I’m going to forego Makers Mark.  I’m going to walk past the Old Forrester Single Barrel bottles.  I will not be drinking Four Roses Small Batch at my September birthday this year.  Instead, I will save that bottle for November 3.  Perhaps prayers will be answered, and Senator McConnell will see the light.  Or, more likely, Kentucky will see the light and elect Amy McGrath.

4 thoughts on “Kentucky Bourbon Fast

  1. So proud of my eloquent Uncle Sammy! My eloquence limits me to this sentiment: Uncle Sammy, your shit don’t stink (literally). Hope you have found the treasure of Gentleman Jack a smooth and suitable alternative!!

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words, Elise. And thank you for being the first person to leave a comment! You are officially the winner of the Grand Prize: A bottle of Gentleman Jack. We will figure out a way of getting that to you. Visiting you in NC was at the top of my bucket list when Covid hit. It will reassume that spot when this is over.

    You have also made a good case for being “my favorite niece, Elise,” but I can’t bring myself to that. That status probably does not mean the same to you as “favorite Aunt Cathy” does to your mother because . . . . you’re not your mother! Besides, the older I get the more difficult it is for me to think of you separately from my other niece who carries the full set of Myovich-Uskokovic-Rose-Coelho genes. (BTW I need to tell you how defensive Nikki got when I suggested that Cathy’s kids may be on average smarter than mine and Doug’s. Her defense of Kyle’s intelligence was nothing short of brilliant!)

    Your relationship with Nikki provides me with a teaching moment. You and Nikki are a hendiadys, a literary term involving two words that when conjoined attain a transcendent meaning. I remember one of my theology professors explaining how the words “grace and peace” in the gospel of John were inseparable in the mind of the author. It was a special way of expressing the love of God. Like grace and peace, the combined spirits of you and Nikki embody love, joy, courage, truth, beauty and hope.

    Speaking of hope, I hope you get a chance to read my letter to the Montenegrin Myoviches. More than anything else, it is an effort at a tribute to your Papa Sam. He had quite a life!

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  3. I didn’t know there would be prizes😉. Like my daughter, I do appreciate your writing, often expressing what I have been thinking. Looking forward to continued enlightenment.

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  4. I didn’t know there would be prizes! But if I had to lose, no one better than my own daughter to lose to. Love that you are doing this Sam. It’s such a good method of expression.

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